I will wait for you

Waiting sucks.

There is no way around it. I’ve always been a person who believed in the line “everything happens for a reason.” One of the ways I dealt with our pregnancy loss (discussed here) was to believe that it wasn’t the right time and that we could start trying again sooner. A few months later, and still no pregnancy.

I have started tracking my ovulation and will start tracking my basal body temperature next month–hopefully, I won’t need to. But the time between ovulation and being able to take a pregnancy test feels longer than pregnancy itself. Ugh.

I eat my vegetables, I am careful about the beauty products I use, and I don’t drink during that time frame. To give up on my favorite face masks and margaritas for a baby, sure. But when I get that one line pregnancy test, instead of the two I’m hoping for, I crash. My mood changes and everything gets to me for a day or so.

Only a few more days until I can take the long-awaited pregnancy test. I think about two different routes:

  1. If I’m not pregnant, what are ways that I can increase my fertility and chances next time around? Working out? Charting my basal body temperature?
  2. If I am pregnant, what would be my due date? How could the pregnancy be different? That broccoli salad is extra smelly, maybe that is a sign that I am pregnant! I don’t feel well, is nausea already setting in?

Clearly, I’m going nuts. But this is quite frustrating when you grow up thinking you’d get pregnant just thinking about the other sex (joking, not true… but close) and then when you actually try to get pregnant it’s much harder than you ever expected. There is so much going on, that I shouldn’t have the time to worry about this but darn it’s hard. I know I am fortunate to have my daughter, not everyone has that opportunity. She is amazing. But my brother and I are 3 years apart, and I would like our children to be similarly close.

Waiting really sucks.

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